I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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