You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
