textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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