Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i love accidental penises.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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