I puked a lego.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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