I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
