Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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