Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize