Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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