My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
