Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
