A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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