my text book just quoted the cookie monster
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
