My Higher Power is John Stamos
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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