I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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