Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
