when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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