The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
