I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
