She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
