Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
