a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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