John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
