believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
