Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
