Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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