There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
