once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
