That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
