I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I wear drunk well.
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