Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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