I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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