Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
