Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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