i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
