My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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