i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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