I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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