i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
