I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
