I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
