I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize