when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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