After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize