Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
