We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize