cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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