The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
