if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
