Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize