I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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