She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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