I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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