Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
