I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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