Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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