@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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