he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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