I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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