How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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