Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
