My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
