Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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