I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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