Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
