Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
